


You Can't Marry Him!

by jldw



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Divergence - Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Not Thor: The Dark World Compliant, SHIELD still exists.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-07 12:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5456165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jldw/pseuds/jldw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark and Clint Barton like to play pranks.  Thor brings his reformed little brother, the God of Michief, to live with them.  Things are fine until Tony and Loki hook up.  Clint definitely has something to say about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can't Marry Him!

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Someone Had To Say It...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4813913) by [fabricdragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabricdragon/pseuds/fabricdragon). 



> In Fabricdragon's wonderful story, she made us wait to find out what was going on between Clint and Loki, this caused my own grey matter to be inspired, This story is in no way related to her story, nor does it occur in her world. 
> 
> I want to thank Shuonnyarr, SkinToBone and my husband for beta help.  
>  
> 
> I do not own any of Marvel and take no profit from this story. But I do thank them for their wonderful characters and the actors that made them come to life.

S.H.I.E.L.D.: a government spy agency intent on keeping the world safe from threats of the natural and supernatural variety. Filled with the best and brightest minds of the age, a well-oiled machine. Well most of the time.

  
Director Fury came out of his private bathroom that was attached to his office and picked up his duster. He started to put it on and the sleeves fell off. His scowl would have frozen the giants of Jotunheim in their tracks. Instead he growled into the intercom, “Get those two idiots in here now!”

Forty five minutes later Tony Stark and Clint Barton strolled into his office followed by Natasha who was cleaning her nails with something that looked more like a knife than a file.

Fury looked at Natasha questioningly. She simply shrugged and continued to clean her nails. He gave her a nod and turned to the individuals in front of him.

“The fucking pranks have to stop.” Fury demanded.

“What pranks sir?” Clint questioned with a straight face.

“You know damn well what I mean.” Fury snarled looking at his duster sitting across a file cabinet.

“I see you have more than one. I always wondered about that.” Tony, on the other hand, wasn’t even trying to act innocent, snickering under his breath.

“Yes and last month it was mixing the sugar and cream containers I keep next to my coffee machine.” Fury added. “And Steve now has pink, baby blue and lavender underwear.”

“It was supposed to be just blue. Tony added the pink.” Clint added helpfully.

“Oh don’t be mad. He needed something to liven up his tighty-whities.” Tony grinned.

“That’s not all. You switched Banner’s teas and replaced all his shoes with duplicates that were four sizes too big. Natasha found dead mice in three different shoes.” Fury looked at Natasha.

“Yeah it took weeks to get the smell out of my suits when you gave them back.” Tony added, looking at Natasha.

“It’s a wonder you haven’t done anything to Thor recently.” Fury glared at them.

  
“Actually, we did, it just backfired on us.” Clint looked down.

“Who knew he would like insect flavored jam?” Tony laughed.

“You don’t know how much trouble we had getting it into those Poptarts.” Clint was waving his hand pretending he was scraping stuff in and out of imaginary Poptarts.

“And he demanded more, claiming they reminded him of some delicacy from somewhere-heim or another he has been too.” Tony said laughing while remembering.

Even Natasha smirked a little.

“Pranks are not appreciated or have you already forgotten your glitter war?” Fury gave them the evil eye.

Tony huffed, looking a little bit contrite. “I’m still trying to get it out of my lab. My bots keep spreading it into the air when they clean it up. I’m spending nearly an hour a week removing more from their wiring.”

“But you sure looked great with Ironman gleaming pink and purple for that fight.” Clint was snickering.

“Maybe, but I still have great pictures of you screaming like a little girl when those glitter filled robot spiders crawled up your legs. It was so worth it to see Steve running around with a broom swatting them, because ‘that’s how his mama taught him to fight spiders’.” Tony smirked.

“You definitely deserved that glitter…” Clint responded but was cut off.

Fury raised his voice “Enough! I don’t want to hear about how Captain America needed red, white and blue glitter. I don’t want to hear about Banner Hulking out because someone bombarded him with nerf arrows. I don’t want to hear how Thor cheated because the lightning melted the foam pellets. I don’t want to hear about any more pranks. Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes, Sir.” Clint answered sharply, but completely insincerely, while Tony said, “We’ll make sure you don’t hear about them Nicky.”

Fury closed his eyes and seemed to count to ten. “Just get out.”

 

 

They did pretty well until a couple weeks later when Thor showed up with Loki in tow.

Thor explained that Loki had not been in control of himself with the Chitauri. He had earned his freedom and a pardon from Asgard. Thor said that he was mostly healed by the Asgardian healers and was going to be joining them in defending Earth for ‘therapeutic purposes’, and that it would also prove to the people of Earth that he was not the guy who attacked them.

 

Things were tense at first but it didn’t take long before they started to accept him.

It helped that Clint accepted him much faster than anyone expected, claiming he’d figured out Loki was controlled before. “Hey I’ve seen him in action, knew he’d take care of himself. Sides if I’d defended him at the time I’d of been locked up myself.”

Tony was next. He found Loki intriguing. He was smart and could converse with Tony on nearly any subject as an equal. Plus, well let’s face it, Loki was hot!

Loki started helping Steve cook, and then endeared himself to Bruce by healing people when needed and eventually volunteering at the local clinic with him. Natasha and Fury both remained suspicious, but then again it would’ve been suspicious if they weren’t. Loki tolerated Thor, but still maintained the position that he was not his brother. The newer Avengers had not been around for the Chitauri attack which made it a bit easier for them to get to know.

 

As Loki was the trickster God he was inevitability admitted to the prank game. Once again they found themselves in Fury’s office.

“I thought I made it clear there were to be no more pranks.” Fury said looking down at a report. “Apparently you switched out the water glasses at dinner with one-fifty-one rum the night Banner made spicy food.” Fury glared again. “Also, I want to know why you brought an ACTUAL elephant with a painted heart on it, into your living room.”

“Well it did have ‘Steve + Bucky’ painted inside the heart. I understand that is a Midgardian custom to designate love.” Loki explained.

“Everyone knew they were together and they were trying to hide it. From all of us.” Clint added.

“So we just provided the proverbial elephant in the room, that no one was talking about.” Tony smiled.

Fury stood up and went to the door and opened it. “Whatever. But I want THIS fixed now.”

In walked agent Coulson. His hair was mostly white but for rows of hair that appeared to be striped in the shape of small delicate black neckties. It was almost reminiscent of a single layer of cornrows hanging down all around his head. Coulson seemed to care less about the state of his hair.

“Wow you do good work Lokes.” Tony whistled, and had Jarvis take a picture.

“Damn, I didn’t think you could do it.” Clint exclaimed handing Tony some cash.

“Thank you.” Loki smiled waved a hand and Coulson’s hair was back to normal.

“Can’t you find something else to occupy your time?” Fury said rolling his eye.

“We’ve left you alone.” Clint protested.

“And if Miss Tattle-Tale wouldn’t have given you that report you wouldn’t have heard about it. Well, except for maybe Agent and he should have come to us first.” Tony cleared things up.

“You are all acting like children. In fact I have some community service for you to do, helping with children, since you don’t have any children, and seem to need a peer group.” Fury rumbled.

“Wait, he’s got children!” Clint said annoyed and pointed at Loki.

“You’ve got kids?” Tony asked surprised.

“Yes, I have had the pleasure to have had several in my long life.” Loki answered Tony.

“Did you actually raise any of them though?” Fury inquired.

“A couple. Alas most of the time Odin did not allow me to.” Loki looked back at Clint.

“He still has them.” Clint grumbled.

“That’s a bummer. Have you pranked Odin? Maybe we need to set him up.” Tony said.

“I have but…” Loki was cut off.

“Are you even listening? I am not saying things for my benefit. You assholes better not mess with my agents again or I will have Natasha decide on your next punishment. Now go find yourselves another hobby.”

 

A week later found Tony and Loki in Tony’s lab. They were next to each other both bent over a uniquely shaped contraption that had been found in an enemy lair.

“It looks like an empty perfume or genii bottle.” Loki noted.

“I was thinking it looks more like a dildo.” Tony bumped against Loki giving him a suggestive look.

Loki smirked. “It is clearly meant for shooting out a hot liquid.”

“So it might cum out if I play with it.” Tony grinned.

“I fear it is empty and it would be hard to cum by any more fluid, other than that single drip.” Loki was looking at Stark.

“Oh, I do know something that is already hard and filled with fluid and even has a drip on the end.” Tony bumped his hips into Loki’s again escalating the flirting.

“Yes, but would it be happy if I rubbed it and made a wish?” Loki said starting to stand and turn to Tony.

“It would be very happy to grant any wish that involved rubbing. In fact with luck it would find another bottle and they might play or rub each other.” Tony’s eyes were sparkling now as he had also stood and was looking into Loki’s eyes.

“Do I hear a legitimate offer to rub or even lick my lamp?” Loki was closer to Tony.

“God, yes, my lamp is so overheated for yours. If you aren’t careful you may find it shooting hot liquid a bit fast for you.” And Tony kissed Loki.

 

 

Later Loki suggested keeping their tryst hidden, despite Tony pointing out the elephant prank they did for Steve and Bucky. They agreed but it wasn’t long before Clint picked up on something and took Tony aside.

“Stay away from Loki, Stark.” Clint was saying.

“What? Why do you say that?” Tony asked, acting like he didn’t know.

“I see the way you look at him.”

“Are you implying I’m looking at Loki like I think he’s hot? Because he is, alright.” Tony was honest.

“You’re undressing him with your eyes. He’s not one of your bimbos you can have a one night stand with. He’s dangerous.” Clint was not happy.

“Maybe he would enjoy it.”

“Stark! He threw you out a window. How could you even think about him that way?” Clint spat.

“Hey birdbrain. I’m a big boy I know the risks. I thought you liked him?” Tony questioned him grinning.

“That doesn’t mean YOU should trust him enough to sleep with him. Just don’t Tony! Just Don’t!” Clint finished and walked away.

 

 

Tony went on as before, then one day he overheard Clint and Loki talking. 

“You know, you finally show up, we have fun, and suddenly you’re all over Stark.”

“He is fun, I like him.” Loki answered.

“I told you to stay away from Tony.” Clint was telling Loki.

“I fail to see the problem.” Loki said.

“You always were a bastard. He’s my teammate. That should be good enough reason.” Clint was angry and got up and left.

 

Tony entered the room. “What was that about?”

“He does not like the idea of an ‘us’.” Loki said.

“Has he figured out we already are?” Tony smiled.

“Not yet.” Loki looked deep in thought.

“You’re not thinking about sleeping with Clint, too are you? Or have you already” Tony might have sounded a little jealous.

Loki looked up. “By the Norns, no, certainly not.”

“Perhaps it’s time to come out of the closet.” Tony added with an evil smirk.

Loki just hummed and nodded not paying too much attention.

 

 

A few nights later was movie night. The AC was acting up. It hadn’t been cooling since mid-afternoon so the temperature was up. Tony said fixing it was below his pay grade but it would be fixed by morning by Jarvis and the bots.

Captain America was in a lightweight running suit. Bucky was in a tank top and had long sweat pants on.

Clint had sat on the couch in a sleeveless shirt and also in sweat pants.

Loki was sitting on the other end of the sofa wearing only shorts. No one could believe he was showing that much skin until Thor tried to show up naked and they made him go put shorts on.

Others were in various light clothing.

Tony waltzed in carrying popcorn wearing only his Ironman boxers. There were many groans.

“What do people want to drink? Besides the normal alcoholic beverages, I have some homemade lemonade that Pepper sent over and several types of iced coffees and frappuccinos.” He said smiling and took orders.

He returned and passed them out.

He turned around making sure he had everyone’s attention, walked over to Loki, promptly straddled him and kissed him passionately.

It was a good thing Steve’s eyes were attached because they would have been rolling on the floor in from of the hero, who now resembled a cooked red lobster. Bucky was laughing his ass off. Bruce looked shocked and uncomfortable then buried his head in his hands. Thor was laughing and yelling some sort of congratulations. Sam was shaking his head. Natasha smirked and watched the event unfold.

Clint sat there with his mouth open for a few seconds. Then he jumped up grabbed Tony around the waist and physically yanked him off Loki.

“Hey! What’s the big idea?” Tony protested.

“Get away from him! Get your dirty, filthy, perverted disease laden body away from him now.” Clint screamed.

“That was harsh.” Bucky whistled.

“I have no diseases. He likes me too. It is completely consensual.” Tony objected.

“Let him go, this is not your concern.” Loki was angry now and standing.

“You made it my business when you touched each other!” Clint was suddenly holding his bow aiming it at Tony.

“Whoa! Overreact much?” Tony raised his hands.

“Clint do you want to know what it feels like to fall from this building?” Loki growled, fists clenched.

At this point Steve found himself having to stand up despite his embarrassment and place himself between Tony and Clint. “Clint, while I find the way they told us to be uncomfortable and rude, it really is their business what they do.” Then looking at Tony and Loki. “Behind closed doors.”

Tony walked around Clint and Steve to stand stood next to Loki again. “I am behind closed doors. This is my tower.”

Bruce groaned. “You are not helping Tony.”

“We need to cool down.” Steve said.

Natasha laughed. “Jarvis can you turn the AC back on please.”

“Aww you figured it out.” Tony smiled.

“You’re not as subtle as you think you are.” Natasha smiled. “Clint come here.”

Clint looked around and just stomped off, ignoring everyone even Natasha.

“What is wrong with him? Friends, I think I need this explained.” Thor said.

“I’m not sure any of us know.” Bucky said.

Natasha watched Clint leave. “That was a very unexpected reaction.”

The AC suddenly came on. “Thank God. It is way too hot in here.” Sam exclaimed.

“I do not think he enjoyed your prank, Friend Stark.” Thor commented.

“Are you really together?” Bruce asked.

Sam said. “You haven’t noticed how they look at each other?”

“He was pretty angry at you Tony. Did something happen?” Natasha asked.

“Not that I know of. Other than he doesn’t want us together.” Tony looked thoughtful.

“Actually brother, he seemed to be protecting you.” Thor observed.

“I am not your brother.” Loki scowled

“Yes, I agree with Thor. What do you know?” Bucky said turning to Loki.

“I know that whatever his problem is, it is his problem and not mine.” Loki snarled and he left the room too.

“Wait, this was supposed to be fun. Sorry guys, I gotta go.” Tony said running off after Loki.

 

 

The next few weeks were annoying.

Tony had briefly asked Loki what was up and gotten an ‘I gave my word not to tell’. He was convinced that Clint and Loki had been involved somehow despite Loki’s one denial and Clint’s apparent heterosexuality. Honestly he really didn’t want to know, so he didn’t ask again.

Besides Tony Stark did not do jealous. Nope not at all.

Clint started following Loki around. Whenever they were alone he would start to argue, until Tony could show up after being informed by Jarvis they were together. If Loki was on the sofa Clint would sit on it with him. Then Tony would sit between them or in Loki’s lap. Clint would growl and look at them evilly. At dinner Clint would sit on one side of Loki and Tony would sit on the other side. In battles Steve ended up teaming with Loki because he couldn’t team him up with either Clint or Tony if they actually wanted to defeat their foe. Loki argued taking out an opponent out via ‘comedy of errors’ would be entertaining, claiming if their opponents were laughing so much, they could hardly attack the Avengers. Steve refused to see the humor in it.

Loki started taking refuge in the penthouse where Clint has long since been banned. Clint wanted to spend all his time watching Loki. Tony had to install bars in the air vents leading to the penthouse. Most of the Avengers were wondering why Clint had stooped to stalking Loki. It was getting creepy. The result was Loki silently moving to the penthouse with Tony.

 

It came to a head one day when Loki had gone off with Bruce to volunteer at a hospital and Tony couldn’t go because he was forced to attend a board meeting.

  
When Tony returned Clint cornered him. “So how long are you going to keep this up with Loki?”

“When are you going to stop stalking him?”

“I’m asking the questions Stark.”

“What the fuck. Why do you care?” Tony was suspicious.

“You know I don’t like you two together.” Clint said.

“Yeah I noticed. What happened? We used to be friends. Are you jealous? Did you two have a thing when Loki was controlled?” Tony sounded infuriated.

Clint turned white with a look of horror and sputtered. “You think I’m jealous?”

“That’s what it looks like to everyone, not just me, buddy.” Tony pointed out.

“God, NO. I’d never. I need mind soap. Just break up already.” Clint was having problems speaking.

“No, and you better get used to it. Because we’re both happy and we don’t care what you think.” Tony said finding himself relieved that Clint wasn’t after Loki sexually. “Wait, I thought you were straight? Are you interested in me?”

Clint said. “Hell no. Stop. Just forget it. I’m just driving you two together aren’t I?”

“Well he has moved in with me to avoid you.” Tony grinned. “I should probably thank you for that. He originally wanted to take it slow.”  
Clint groaned. “How’s this my life?” Then before Tony could ask any more he got up and left.

 

Things got easier after that. Clint actually backed off. He spent more time out of the tower. Loki and Tony got even closer. Clint finally accepted the relationship and things appeared to get better. He and Tony started to get along when Loki wasn’t around or when the whole group was together. At least as long as Loki and Tony didn’t do much more than simple touches, or leaning against each.

 

 

A year passed and the second Christmas since Loki showed up came. They were having a party and exchanging gifts.

Tony gave Loki a small box. He opened it at the same time Tony knelt down. “Marry me.”

Loki smiled. “Yes.”

“NO! YOU CAN’T MARRY HIM! I WON’T HAVE STARK AS A STEPFATHER!” Clint screamed aghast.

The room was suddenly so silent you could hear DUM-E moving around a few floors below.

Thor broke the silence. “You are my nephew? Loki is your father?” His smile started small and grew and grew until he started to stand.

“Oh no you don’t. I’m not going to be hugged by you.” Clint had stood and was backing up hands out protectively.

Bruce smiled. “That would explain why you seem to never get hurt.”

Natasha’s eyes were squinting. “How did I not know this?” Then glared at Clint.

“He rarely ever visited me growing up.” Clint looked like a scared animal.

“I was not there when you grew up because of Odin. I explained that to you. Him not knowing probably saved your life.” Loki defended himself

Clint looked at Loki. “Help me, you bastard. No one was supposed to know, ever.”

“You were the one to tell darling. I kept my end by not telling anyone. But we have talked and you do not control who I have relationships with.” Loki smiled as Tony put his ring on Loki’s finger.

Tony’s eyes sparkled, looking over at Clint. “Oh, I am going to have so much fun being your step-dad.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this. If you like it, feel free to press the Kudo's tag. Maybe leave a comment. I appreciate all of you.


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